Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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