is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
