the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
