dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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