why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
