im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
