i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
