when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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