this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
