I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize