I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
