If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
