I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
