Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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