Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
