Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
They took my balls.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
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