We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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