I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
