My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Randomize
