a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
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