He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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