the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
