No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Randomize
