i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
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