I think I died a long time ago.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
