meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
