As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
