While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Randomize
