she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
time to smoke my breakfast
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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