Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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