No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
