she takes plan B like it's going out of style
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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