They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
