do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
