You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
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