I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Why can't burritos get me drunk
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Randomize
