i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
