I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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