I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Randomize
