well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
