if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Randomize
