I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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