and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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