ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
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