My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
