She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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