after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
