I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
