hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
