1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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