she kept yelling 'call me bella'
is this the sara with the beer cane?
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
