When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
