Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
