I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
My cat gives me a boner
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
