have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
